I have spent the last 48 hours in a small town in Croatia. My husband’s grandmother passed away and we attended her funeral on Tuesday. It was a bitter sweet moment because she was the last parent to go for my father-in-law. The grandfather passed away almost 4 years ago and in a way, we have been waiting for this moment for awhile. It must be hard to continue on with life when your partner leaves you after decades of sharing each day together. In my mind she is now resting next to her love wearing a poke-a-dotted dress and eating dessert.
The death of the elderly brings along different emotions than the death of the young. It’s normal that we will all one day leave even though most of us don’t want to die. Or maybe none of us want to die. Okay, maybe the really, really old souls want to go because they are tired and they had enough. But besides them, I really believe most of us don’t want to go.
Which then brings another point, we don’t want to die but then what are we doing to really seize each day we are alive? If we don’t want to die, what are we living for?
Which brings me to my next thought: time. Monday I was at work the whole day, took a flight, arrived to a new country, Tuesday I attended a funeral and today (Wednesday) I flew home and tomorrow I will go back to work. The last two days feels so long. I felt so removed from everything. And now it’s weird that tomorrow I will go back to my “normal life”. Time is such a weird concept.
Which brings me to my last thought of the day: freedom. As I was coming home from the airpot tonight a great friend of mine told me she will be spending one year in Paris as part of the young-workers visa agreement. She is from Mexico and I am so excited for her. She didn’t know if she would get the visa but she bought a one-way ticket to Paris anyway. I admire her so much for being so bold and trusting of her gut. She’s a life loving sunshine who totally has fears about security and future plans but chose to follow her heart.
I am so excited to see her. I am so excited to visit her. I was already imagining spending time in Paris walking around, reading books next to La Seine, taking in the historical culture. The inspiration was high until the reality of a thing called a job kicked in. I’m currently a contractor and my contract ends at the end of March. The logical thing would be to find another job. But I feel I can’t do that. I can’t sacrifice my freedom anymore. I can’t compromise on myself. I just can’t. I don’t exactly know how I will “break free” from my own limitation. But I will. There is no other way.